sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
ttyl tear gas
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
