8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
