What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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