Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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