I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
