My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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