So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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