morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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