R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
