I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
