You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
