She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
