I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Enjoy the penises
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
