Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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