Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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