And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
