dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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