The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
pop tarts are not kleenex
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize