I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Oh god it's open bar.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
