My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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