I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
