Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
