My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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