On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
did i just pee glitter
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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