i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
