She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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