Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
