One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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