If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
