did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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