dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
