I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
