i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
