Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
