The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
