It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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