Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
