I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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