Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Boobs speak an international language.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Randomize
