I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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