You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
