SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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