I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
