My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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