Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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