The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
