no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
