New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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