I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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