dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
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