look no pants
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize