I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just found a bag of teeth...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
