Your face is a jimmy john
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
