my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
