Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
