If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
