After last night, I could never be a politician.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
