whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
